Not everyone has the same goals in mind when they enter the dating world and if you don’t know that fact you are likely to be surprised and disappointed in most of your attempts at relationships.
Most people assume that everyone out in the Dating World has the same goals in mind. If we are looking for true love followed by marriage and kids, or no kids, we assume that’s what everyone we date is looking for too. We believe it is the Right Way and the Only Way to live life and have relationships.
The fact is that everyone has the right to date however they want to … but really, they should be honest and upfront so we don’t waste each other’s time.
Here is a basic list of the 5 kinds of dating people may be focusing on:
1. The Commitment dater
These folks want to find The Right One, settle down, marry, have kids, or not have kids and spend the rest of their lives with someone.
When dating they are looking at how they might fit together forever, how their kids would look, how their families would get along, whether or not they’d be financially stable, and if they’d enjoy growing old together.
2. The serially monogamous dater
Serial Daters like to have long-term monogamous relationships but don’t necessarily expect them to last a lifetime. They may have started out being a Commitment Dater but have given up over time as their relationships have ended badly.
They may have a secret hope that they could still meet The Right One but have become used to having a series of short relationships. These relationships might last anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of years.
3. The more the merrier dater
Some people choose to date several people at a time. They may think of long-term commitment as something they see in their future or they may not.
They may choose to date 2-5 people at a time or they might think it’s fun to meet as many people as they fit into their schedule.
They might tell you that’s their plan or they might encourage you to believe that you are the only one they are seeing and that they are just so busy they can’t get to see you very much.
4. The hook-up dater
For many people having sex is more important than having emotional intimacy. Or emotional intimacy makes them uncomfortable.
Whatever the reasoning, they are ready, willing, and able to have sex but when you try to actually have a RELATIONSHIP you will never find them.
Sometimes they are honest and just look for hook-ups online or at a bar but many will go to dating sites and pretend to be looking for relationships. For some of them, there is a thrill to the game of fooling others.
5. The predator dater
Predators are looking for gullible people who will help them get something they need. They might need somewhere to live because they are addicts of some kind. They might see that you have a job and a place to live and strive to get you feeling sorry for them so you’ll take care of them and their needs.
They might be using you to hurt their exes and drag you into their drama.
If you have children, they might be hoping to get access to your children to abuse them physically or sexually. They might want to hurt you physically or sexually or emotionally. That might be what they need to feel good about themselves.
Think about these different kinds of people/daters as you go out into the dating world. And remember that not all of them will be honest with you about what their real goals and intentions are.
Think about what your goals are. Honestly.
Take time to get to know people before you get sexual and serious.
Be very clear with people you date about what your goals are. They won’t always listen or hear you so say it more than once.
Listen to what they say and listen to what they do. Ask them what they mean. Ask them more than once.
Gina Schuchman is an expert who specializes in relationships and love and marriage advice.
