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Years ago, I was told by a narcissist that he had been looking for me his whole life. I felt like my heart exploded. I had finally found what I had been looking for. All of the failed relationships and pain had led to this.
For the first few months, things were perfect. I felt like I was in heaven. He just got me like no one else ever had. I loved so many things about him. I loved that he was a musician. I loved how sensitive he was. I loved that he bought me a ukulele for Christmas because I mentioned wanting to learn to play. I loved that we went on trips and escaped from the world. I loved that within a few weeks, he had picked out “our song,” and we sang it the whole drive home.
Perhaps you’re in a situation where you feel like someone is coming on powerful and questioning if it’s real. What is love bombing, and how can you avoid it or identify it? I want to speak about a few things I experienced personally in my situation and what is generally considered “love bombing.”
You find that you are overwhelmed with affection.
Love bombing happens when someone constantly shows you signs of adoration and makes you feel at the center of their universe. You’ll be told that you’re beautiful, you’ll find flowers at work, and perhaps even get a few love notes in the mirror. It won’t matter if you’ve only known this person for a few days or a couple of weeks; it’s going to come on strong.
You feel like you’ve met the love of your life.
The connection was so intense, I had never felt anything like it sexually or emotionally. Looking back however, I realize that real love doesn’t happen instantly.
I had never felt the intensity I felt in those first few weeks and months. It was infatuation at the beginning, but I think that my feelings did eventually turn into love. He did not, although he had only put on the facade that he loved me for most of our relationship.
Things will move VERY quickly.
Within a couple of weeks, he had told me that I was what he was looking for — I remember crying as he held my head in his hands and said to me that he already knew I was the love of his life and he couldn’t believe it had taken so long to find me.
Within a couple months we were looking at apartments to move into and constantly talking about our future plans.
He mentioned wanting to get me pregnant multiple times, which would have been yet another way to tie me down and track me — but at the time, I thought it was romantic.
I couldn’t have been more mistaken.
In the aftermath, as he began pulling back his affection, I wondered what I had done wrong. Wasn’t I everything he had been looking for? No, but it wasn’t my fault, as it turns out that a master manipulator had thoroughly deceived me.
Things will begin to change, and you won’t understand why.
The gifts stopped. The sweet texts stopped. The kindness and love I had been receiving constantly were now cut off. Suddenly, he was staying out all night and not communicating with me for hours or days. We worked together, so I would see him come in hungover, and when I asked what was going on, he would ignore me.
Here and there, he would still give me attention, just enough to keep me around but it wasn’t nearly what it was in the beginning…not even close.
The love that you’ve received is superficial, and he doesn’t know the real you.
A narcissist isn’t going to take the time to know the in-and-outs of who you are. At the very end of our relationship, a friend asked my ex what he loved about me. He could have said absolutely anything in the world, but all he could come up with was “what everyone else loves about her.” Not that I was beautiful, not that I was smart… after all the time he spent with me, he couldn’t come up with one thing.
When he discards you, it will be one of the most painful things you have experienced.
I did not cut off all contact after breaking up with the narcissist. I wasn’t strong enough to cut all of the ties, but by allowing him to continue having contact with me, I was still letting him control. He had the upper hand and told me he was done with me and that although I had tried…it just wasn’t enough.
I’ve never had someone be so cold and calculated towards me. It felt like my heart was torn in two.
I have never felt such physical pain following emotional trauma. I honestly believe that breaking that tie and breaking free was so painful that I lost years of my life.
A healthy relationship can still give you butterflies.
I don’t want to insinuate that you can only feel this “crazy” infatuation with love bombing. However, if you feel like things are moving too quickly, set boundaries.
A person who respects you will respect your boundaries, and you can protect your heart while still allowing yourself to fall in love.
