Before we start this article, I want to point out that I have been surgically sterilized and have made a commitment to living a majority-childfree lifestyle, and have also given up on men. (And, I’m working on transitioning.) So in all fairness, I’m talking about a hypothetical situation that would never really occur. But if I still cared about dating, was still fertile, wanted kids, and still thought some Prince Douchebag would pop the question, I can honestly say that there’s no way I could ever see myself being a stay-at-home mom.
The reason I eschew motherhood is that I honestly don’t trust men to stick around once the kids are born, nor do I think that the current vanguard of men can be good fathers.
Call me a Negative Nancy, but the truth is that when it comes to parenthood, most men can’t think of anyone but themselves. And mothers get f*cked over in so many ways that it’s just not worth being a mom anymore, especially when you look at how dads treat you.
The first thing that makes me scared to be a mom is the double standard. Raising a kid is a two-person operation and guys these days just don’t get it. Women are basically expected to drop their entire lives, their careers, and all their free time for their kids. If you get a job as a new mom, people often will sneer at you and tell you, “Guess you don’t need to be there for your kid’s golden years.”
Meanwhile, men are lauded if they just exist near kids and occasionally put food on the table. I can’t name how many women applaud seeing guys simply walking around with a kid in a stroller. It’s not a goddamned amazing feat of awesomeness to be a father, it’s part of being a decent human being to your offspring! And yet, we live in an age where it’s so rare that people DO have to comment on it.
In many cases, it feels like it’s a matter of kids raising kids. Guys aren’t mature as they used to be. From what I’ve seen in the dating scene, most guys have to be badgered just to do half the required things of being an adult. Otherwise, they let their mommies and girlfriends handle the dirty work. When I look at how coddled and lazy most guys are, I just can’t imagine them pitching in with dirty diapers or temper tantrums.
To make matters worse, a lot of men I’ve seen don’t stay with the mothers of their children. They just don’t care enough to try to be there for their families. (I ought to know because the father of mine bailed on me because “he didn’t feel like it” shortly after open adoption arrangements were made.)
For me, family is a forever thing but unfortunately, most men in the dating scene do not think of it that way anymore and, yes, that breaks my heart.
When a guy leaves a full-time, stay-at-home mom, she literally has everything she’s worked for fall apart. From what I’ve personally seen, most of the time that guys have left their SAHM wives, it’s because they decided they wanted someone else.
For the life of me, I can’t understand how anyone could trust men seeing all the broken homes they leave in their wake. I’m supposed to trust men enough to willingly sign up for this?
Then, there’s the fact that women are blamed for the relationships falling apart if the man bails. I’ve personally experienced this, and it’s a major reason I just don’t want to bother dating anymore. Even other women will come up with excuses for the men who run.
I have heard everything from “You’re choosing the wrong men” to “Well, he’s kinda young.” These excuses don’t fly with women, but if you’re a guy, they do. After all, “not all men” seems to be a common chorus these days because of the sh*tty quality of so many men.
Honestly, the way I saw guys treat the mothers of their kids was a huge part of why I stopped bothering men. I felt duped on so many levels because the goal of relationships for most (parenthood) has become a primarily solo endeavor for so many women. I felt lied to, because I kept being told that guys would be providers and partners, only to see that they mostly are just burdens with entitlement issues and bad fathers.
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I know that this sounds like sour grapes, and perhaps to a point, it is. I’m sure there are probably guys out there who would be great parents and spouses.
But at the same time, many men have given women way too much reason not to trust them as fathers, providers, and lifelong partners, and I could never willingly bring a child into a world where this is the norm rather than the exception.
Alex Alexander is a pseudonym. The author of this article is known to YourTango but is choosing to remain anonymous.