Love takes time to grow — and a mere 30 days can help make the romance flourish.
Sabrina Bendory is a relationship expert and she has spilled all her secrets about how to get over — or get back at — your ex.
Her No. 1 rule is for couples to undergo a 30-day period of having no contact with each other — a concept she defines as “love rehab.”
The 37-year-old romance guru says the one-month time can help one re-evaluate what they want in a relationship.
People can then “put their all” into getting their former partners back — or they can gladly move on from the relationship.
Women should make a list of qualities that their ex has and “take an inventory” of the ex’s top assets during the no-contact policy.
Bendory also denoted how women who allow themselves to be attached to the emotional turmoil of relationships as a “love drug.”
Bendory found her calling as a love coach after she was obsessing too much over her ex-boyfriend, Eric Charles, 40, after they broke up in 2006.
She attempted to make him jealous two years later and claimed that it became an “unhealthy obsession.”
The pair did not rekindle their love and Charles instead suggested she start writing about her relationship experiences.
The two even stayed friends, together starting the company New Mode, an advice platform for men and women with different dating issues.
In 2015, she found her bliss and reconnected with her high school sweetheart, Alon Bendory, 38. They are parents to three kids and live in Long Island, New York.
“I was sick of being at the mercy of men and feeling disempowered,” she told South West News Service.
“You have to think of yourself as being in rehab, love is a drug and creates chemical reactions in the brain, just like someone who is detoxing on drugs, they crave a hit,” she explained about her tactics.
She continued: “Someone in a relationship craves that hit, too, but anytime you check back up on him, you’re setting yourself back.”
When it comes to her 30-day no-contact rule, a woman shouldn’t text them, talk to them or check up on their social media
She even revealed that some women will take longer than 30 days to talk to their ex again and they should only get back in touch with him when they no longer feel unhappy at the prospect of not being with their ex-man.
Bendory pointed out that women need to “notice their thoughts” and “rewire their obsession” before getting back with their former partner.
“If you think ‘I miss him’ and ‘I love him,’ you need to analyze what you miss. You miss the connection which is a separate need from the person. Then you can ask yourself how else you can find that connection through your family, friends and self,” she said.
“You should do something that makes you feel alive and shift the focus off him and onto you,” Bendory added.
During the 30-day timeline, she advised that a woman should also reevaluate her priorities and life goals in order to have a clear head about going back to their relationship.
“Our heart leads us into all different kinds of places but we need to have guidelines,” she stated. “Choosing who we want to share our lives with is a huge decision.”
This period should also consist of women making a pros and cons list of qualities that they want their partner to have. That can lead to women thinking more distinctly about their futures and spouses.
Having a positive mindset is key to getting over someone, Bendory advised.
“People with fixed mindsets think that break-ups or rejection say something about them leading to despair,” she said. “If you have a growth mindset, you can think how you will learn or grow from the relationship.”
Once the month-long time frame has concluded, if one is fine with the prospect of no longer being with said ex but still want to give it another try, then one should reach out to them casually.
A nonchalant text such as, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you,” could be the right spark to get things going again.
However, she warned: “If the response is cold, you need to accept it as a loss — and let it go.”
If the person responds, then one should ease their way back into communication and dates.
“You need to be realistic; you can’t just get back together if you love and miss each other — it isn’t like the movies,” she said.
“If you have worked on yourself and addressed underlying issues, you are ready to move forward,” Bendory advised. “You shouldn’t go back if everything is exactly the same — history will repeat itself.”
Here is Sabrina’s best advice for getting over a breakup
- The 30-day no-contact rule: Don’t contact your ex for at least 30 days; only get back in touch if you no longer feel distraught about him.
- Notice your thoughts and think about what they really mean. If you’re missing and loving him, you could be missing human connection that could be found elsewhere through friends and family.
- Ask yourself if each of your thoughts “is serving you well.”
- Stop the obsessive loop of anxiety and insecurity and shift your mind to a more productive place by positively affirming you will find the right person and have the relationship you want.
- Focus on other things, such as a holiday you want to take or a concert you are going to.
- Take an inventory of your ex and decide whether he is worthy of dwelling upon. Write down your three “must-haves” and three “deal-breakers” and see if he is all of these.
- The right guy for you will want to be with you.
- Have a growth mindset: Think about how you will learn and better yourself from the heartbreak.
- Ask yourself five questions: What did I learn from this relationship? What did I do in this relationship I would never do again? What qualities do I need from a partner? Why did I stay even though it wasn’t working? What did I learn about myself?
- Let it go if it no longer serves you and nothing has changed.
- Try again if you have done the work on yourself and both parties are willing to try to solve the issues at hand.