Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton’s Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Hey Advice King,
How do I move on from my ex-wife and start dating again in my 40s?
—Stuart in Virginia
Oh no — dating advice. If I had the answers to this kind of stuff, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing an advice column. I’d be in a gondola in Italy, having sex. An “adult gondola.” They have those now. Each one has a TV/VCR combo, a jug of wine, and a ton of lotion. For privacy’s sake, the gondola captain wears horse blinders, and noise-canceling headphones. Harry Styles loves them, and he’s always posting pictures of them on Instagram. Some of his recent captions include, “I just had sex in this adult gondola,” and, “Adult gondolas are stocked with lotion.”
Can you tell I’m stalling, Stuart?
Breakups are excruciating. Even little ones can be very tough. If you like someone enough to be in a relationship with them — even a short one — it’s always sad to have to say goodbye. If you were in love with the person, it’s worse. It’s physical.
Recovering from a marriage is like recovering from an injury. It takes time. Time is the only thing I know that helps. And resentment makes the healing take longer. We’re all human, and we all make mistakes. Forgive yourself, and your ex. Look to the future!
The good news: If this happened in 1979 you’d have to go to a roller rink wearing a huge astrology medallion to meet someone. Now you can meet people online, while sitting in the comfort of your own home, dressed normally!
The bad news: In 1979, if the roller rink was local, you could probably find out if the person you were thinking about asking out was a murderer, or a compulsive liar, or a Styx fan, before you actually went on a date with them.
Here’s a short play to illustrate:
Divorcee at the Roller Rink, 1979
Interior, roller rink, Blondie’s “Heart of Glass” is playing. A middle-aged man wearing a giant gold medallion approaches the snack bar.
Man With Medallion: Hey Gary, do you know that woman over there? She seems nice.
Gary: Linda? She’s a Styx fan. And she has 12 elderly llamas that she dotes on.
Man With Medallion: Wow. Thanks. I’m not going to ask her out, then. I love old llamas, but I can’t listen to Styx. No way.
The man with the medallion takes a sip of Pepsi and lights a cigar. The cigar explodes.
– THE END –
When you meet a woman online, it’s hard to get a snack bar attendant named Gary to vouch for her. She could wait until your honeymoon to reveal that she’s not really an architect — and that she’s a Phish fan. You might be able to forgive her for pretending to be an architect, but …
Stuart, you have a chance to start over. To love again — and maybe better! You are older and wiser. It might take some time, but if you’re kind and have an open heart, something wonderful is bound to happen. Good luck!